Bad Day

From the moment I woke up, I knew that this day (September 15, 2006) wouldn't be a very good one.

And I was right.

My bad day started when I first got my top all wet upon leaving the house. I had to go back home and change because the location of the "wet spot" wasn't very nice (I'd resemble a breast-feeding mother... get it?). Because of this, I was late at work, after almost a month of being on-time.

I thought it would just be a normal day at work for me, but NO. I was bombarded by all these scary symbols and figures we refer to as numbers and mathematical signs. Back in school, I have never been a fan of Math, but I have always tolerated them. It has only been now that I have become VERY scared of numbers, especially when some analysis (e.g. finance stuff) is involved.

On top of that, things became worse when I ended up committing a mistake every 30 minutes. I wouldn't do things the right way. I forgot some things due to sleepyness. I didn't answer the phone. I miscalculated the prices. I didn't indicate a few things in my letter. I didn't finish doing my homework. To add up to my bad day, I had a pretty bad throat. My colds were also building up, which made the day "heavier".

To date, this has been the worst working day of my life. I mean, yeah, I had my other bad days at work, but I have never felt so down and lonely with the things I do. I couldn't blame anyone but me for all the mistakes. After all, I was tasked to do something and for some reason I'd end up screwing them up. My confidence level has plunged down to the bottom. It seemed as if I was an airhead in a world full of geniuses and "masters".

You know, it feels so bad when you're expected to do so much when all you could so is just a tidbit of that "so much". That's exactly how I feel now. Even if I try so hard to love what I'm doing, the fact that I just don't have enough confidence in myself pulls me down. I guess there's too much fear in me to conquer this whole new world of fish and prices because it mainly involves a lot of the things I avoided back in college (economics and finance-related matters). I believe I've exerted my best, but just seeing this best of mine to be not enough for what I'm doing fustrates me. It fustrates me to not grasp everything that I'm learning. It fustrates me to just commit so many mistakes and fall all the time. It fustrates me that I am not able to meet their standards, and that I do not love numbers the same way they do. Most of all, it fustrates me because deep inside I KNOW I CAN DO IT, it's just that I lack the confidence to do so.

No, I do not want to quit just yet. As what my friend has told me, it's too early to tell. I've only been at work for 3 months and just getting the hang of it. And besides, I believe that being in this company is good training, and in able for me to grow, I know I'll be needing a lot of training from them. But sometimes, I have to admit that I want to quit and look for a job that suits me better. Then again, I still have three more months to get back on the field and fight. Three months to know what I really want in life.

... And I'll be needing a lot of help from God.