For You, Captain.

Hi D-----,

The right time will come when you will read this letter. Maybe when we are together (wishful thinking), or maybe when you randomly look for me on google and stumble upon this entry. There is a reason why I am not sending this letter to you. It's the last day of the year and I am pretty sure you wouldn't want to get this from me. Today should be all about your last day at work and plan what to do next with your career. That's
way more important than me now, and I totally understand that.

First of all, I want to say thank you all the good memories. You have been like my little piece of sunshine. You brought out the best of me and made me feel like I want to be a better person... I have not met someone who made me feel as comfortable with myself as with you. I appreciate you taking me to eat frogs, picking me up from Mandarin class and having dinner at the nearby hawker center, driving all the way to my place to help me with my stuff even if you were feeling sick, meeting my cousin in HK despite having a hangover to get my birthday gift, listening to my rants and work talks, watching Breaking Dawn with me, cooking me breakfast even if it tasted funky, giving me a Chanel perfume... Jeez there are more memories than this. I could not ask for anything more. We had a good set of memories. Thank you.

But I'm sorry... I don't know how to look after you at this tough stage in your life. I want to be there for you. This is what I want more than anything.... Yet I feel like I'm ruining every opportunity I have. I'm sorry for being selfish sometimes, that my happiness always comes first before you... I'm sorry for pressuring you too muchand for testing your feelings for me... I'm sorry for ever doubting you and for  not being patient enough to understand what you are going through. I hope I still have time to fix things between us, to make you feel the same way you have made me feel these past six months. I hope you are willing to do the same.

I think I love you already. I hope in the right time I can tell it to you personally. And I hope in the right time you will be able to figure out what you want in life, and that I will be part of your plans. Please don't forget me... I am willing to wait for you. I am just here. I will just be here to accept you with open arms. I love you and I will miss you a lot.

Angel

Facebook Free (rewind)

It's been 17 days since I decided to deactivate my facebook account for several reasons:

1. Excessive usage - I can't seem to control, I check every 30 mins even at work!
2. Excessive stalking - I make sure to check *his* facebook page everyday to know what's going on with him
3. Excessive commenting - I am also addicted to the live feed -- I like, comment, and reply like there's no tomorrow

Yes, excess. It's not a light thing... I know facebook helps me keep in touch with home but until I know how to control I will not activate my account again. I want to prove to myself that I can do this... And I will! I have done this last year, doesn't mean I can't do it again right?

Hello October!

I miss blogging! It's been a while since I last wrote, and I can't believe that most of the things I write about are about boys and dating. Well, it doesn't make any difference though when I talk to my friends in person, boys and dating are my favorite topics! Hee hee :)

I can't believe I'm about to reach my 1st year away from home. Time flew by so fast, it doesn't even feel like I've been living in Singapore for almost 1 year! Looking back, I have to say that a lot of things have changed and I am a totally different Angel from who I was 1 year back. For one, I have become a current events freak and a finance nerd... Who would have thought that a communications graduate would end up trading futures? It was the last thing I wanted to pursue as a career, but like what Alanis Morisette said, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. :)

I have also moved forward to a new home since October 1, and I am really happy with this move, even if it is costing me a whole lot more. On a not-so-bright side, I am staying very near the red light district, but I have leveled up since my "crib" is already a condo. It is also nice to have a friend as my housemate, I just hope we do not get into any big trouble as I do not have very fond memories of my good friends being my housemates... But I think I have reached in an age where I am mature enough to know how to live with people and be just civil and objective with things. :)

It is also my first weekend to go to the grocery to buy food for cooking! With my friend around, I have promised myself to be more domesticated. Felt like I overspent in the grocery-- biggest bill at SGD 75 dollars! What the hell did I just buy?!?! Haha, but it just feels good, I am now looking forward to cooking sausages and tuna for dinner, it should come out cheaper instead of eating out all the time.

Life has been pretty good to me so far. I also feel very privileged to have found new friends who are very easy to get along with. I guess there is something about being away from home, people are more open to sharing deep friendships which you know will last for a lifetime. :)

My work has been awesome as well. I love my job even if it takes up 80% of my time! It gives me a heart attack but I still love it! It's what I call happy stress... And it's quite  nice to also feel like they are family. I have learned to accept the different personalities at work, I guess this is all part of growing up and being more mature with things. :)

As for my heart, I have learned to block all bad vibes and just follow my gutfeel. I remain optimistic in finding the right guy. The right time for the right person will definitely come... :)

This will be a great month ahead... Cheers for more happy thoughts and memories!

I'm Sorry.

Just when things have started being steady between us, I have to do a stupid thing to make you run away.

I'm sorry for calling you late at night. It was stupid, irresponsible, and uncalled for. I've been having issues with you but it didn't mean having to involve you about it. I could have easily figured things out by myself.

If only I could be more patient with you. If only I could bring back the past and change what happened. But I can't. What was done has been done. I have said everything. If there was anything consistent about my relationships, it would probably be scaring guys away.

I hope we could still talk about it. I am hoping you could give us another chance. For now I have no choice but to accept that it is "okay" but you still cannot talk about it. I really like you but I don't know if you like me enough to stay. I'm scared of losing you. I think we are almost there... but then I had to do this stupid mistake. :(

I'm so sorry.

My Dating Cycle

Bothers me that a friend says that im back to my usual cycle with men. It's normally in this part of the so-called dating scene where I feel like things are most likely to go wrong on my end. I hate the feeling of uncertainty, when all that matters is the action and not the words. I'm sure some people enjoy the idea of not knowing what's next but most of the time it's torture for me :(




I've been seeing this great guy for about a month already and so far it has been really nice. We've had good, interesting, and deep conversations. I like how I learn from him. At the same time I feel like my "caring" side also shows when he's around. He also seems sincere but it may also be too early to tell.





Only a few so-called issues:





1. I'm normally the one inviting him to go out-- while on the bright side he never rejected any of my invites, it still feels really abnormal for me to be initiating the invite most of the time. That's not a very Filipino thing to do but for some reason I always end up inviting him. I think it has been working so far but the thought of him just sitting pretty is driving me nuts! What if I stop inviting? Will he even think of me?





2. Clingy side is about to show --- in the normal "cycle" I think this is one of the factors that scare the guys away. I have this tendency to get clingy with the guys I go out with! :( after our jog last night I felt the clingy symptoms arise. It's scaring me that I may lose the guy if I get too clingy. The first thing that I wanna do at the moment is to just stay away from him!





I'm overanalyzing everything again. Why can't I just enjoy the moment and let things flow? I need to play my cards right this time. So far I have been doing well, but why does it all have to change after that moment?!?!





I guess I need to stay away first. Before I lay down the wrong card. Aaaahh praning much!!!!!
 
*An entry from July 19.