I'm Sorry.

Just when things have started being steady between us, I have to do a stupid thing to make you run away.

I'm sorry for calling you late at night. It was stupid, irresponsible, and uncalled for. I've been having issues with you but it didn't mean having to involve you about it. I could have easily figured things out by myself.

If only I could be more patient with you. If only I could bring back the past and change what happened. But I can't. What was done has been done. I have said everything. If there was anything consistent about my relationships, it would probably be scaring guys away.

I hope we could still talk about it. I am hoping you could give us another chance. For now I have no choice but to accept that it is "okay" but you still cannot talk about it. I really like you but I don't know if you like me enough to stay. I'm scared of losing you. I think we are almost there... but then I had to do this stupid mistake. :(

I'm so sorry.

My Dating Cycle

Bothers me that a friend says that im back to my usual cycle with men. It's normally in this part of the so-called dating scene where I feel like things are most likely to go wrong on my end. I hate the feeling of uncertainty, when all that matters is the action and not the words. I'm sure some people enjoy the idea of not knowing what's next but most of the time it's torture for me :(




I've been seeing this great guy for about a month already and so far it has been really nice. We've had good, interesting, and deep conversations. I like how I learn from him. At the same time I feel like my "caring" side also shows when he's around. He also seems sincere but it may also be too early to tell.





Only a few so-called issues:





1. I'm normally the one inviting him to go out-- while on the bright side he never rejected any of my invites, it still feels really abnormal for me to be initiating the invite most of the time. That's not a very Filipino thing to do but for some reason I always end up inviting him. I think it has been working so far but the thought of him just sitting pretty is driving me nuts! What if I stop inviting? Will he even think of me?





2. Clingy side is about to show --- in the normal "cycle" I think this is one of the factors that scare the guys away. I have this tendency to get clingy with the guys I go out with! :( after our jog last night I felt the clingy symptoms arise. It's scaring me that I may lose the guy if I get too clingy. The first thing that I wanna do at the moment is to just stay away from him!





I'm overanalyzing everything again. Why can't I just enjoy the moment and let things flow? I need to play my cards right this time. So far I have been doing well, but why does it all have to change after that moment?!?!





I guess I need to stay away first. Before I lay down the wrong card. Aaaahh praning much!!!!!
 
*An entry from July 19.

The Case of the EX

Why is it that everytime I start going out with someone, this guy just disappears and next thing I know, he has gotten back with his ex?

It's really a curse, believe me. I don't know if it's because of my old actions why this is always happening (I am weird like that) but I think this is the 3rd or 4th time this will be happening to me. It's no longer funny especially its a recurring incident with different men. This time I am more affected because I think I had a big chance with this guy.... Again, it all turned out to be wrong=(

Oh well, time to move on. Not the one I guess. Magsama kayo ng ex mo!!! Leche! haha

Checklist

Living alone indeed has its own perks. Not only do I start knowing who I really am and what I want in my life, it has also helped me determine my ideal guy. Believe me, I do not have a very good record with men. I seem to just go with the flow most times and give chances to guys if they show signs that they are interested. I realized after many disappointments that it is not the best option... And you should not settle for somebody just because he is the one who is there.

So I have decided to make a checklist of my ideal man. This should serve as a personal reminder to never settle and always aim for the best.

1. CHEMISTRY - Even if the guy has all the traits after this, it will be useless if we do not have any chemistry.
2. 100% understanding with my work nature - I have a very demanding job and erratic work hours, and I need a guy who can understand and adjust well with my work nature.
3. Music Lover
4. Outgoing & loves to travel - I love going out and exploring myself, and it would be really nice to have somebody to share this passion with.
5. Adores NYC - Especially since I dream to live in NYC, I need to make sure that the guy loves the place the same way as I do
6. Certified FOODIE - Must have the same passion for food as I do


I'm sure this list will be longer soon... I will surely update this!

=(

Scares the shit out of me when I get paranoid and too clingy. I am really hoping that this time around, I will not ruin the very very good prospect.