For You, Captain.

Hi D-----,

The right time will come when you will read this letter. Maybe when we are together (wishful thinking), or maybe when you randomly look for me on google and stumble upon this entry. There is a reason why I am not sending this letter to you. It's the last day of the year and I am pretty sure you wouldn't want to get this from me. Today should be all about your last day at work and plan what to do next with your career. That's
way more important than me now, and I totally understand that.

First of all, I want to say thank you all the good memories. You have been like my little piece of sunshine. You brought out the best of me and made me feel like I want to be a better person... I have not met someone who made me feel as comfortable with myself as with you. I appreciate you taking me to eat frogs, picking me up from Mandarin class and having dinner at the nearby hawker center, driving all the way to my place to help me with my stuff even if you were feeling sick, meeting my cousin in HK despite having a hangover to get my birthday gift, listening to my rants and work talks, watching Breaking Dawn with me, cooking me breakfast even if it tasted funky, giving me a Chanel perfume... Jeez there are more memories than this. I could not ask for anything more. We had a good set of memories. Thank you.

But I'm sorry... I don't know how to look after you at this tough stage in your life. I want to be there for you. This is what I want more than anything.... Yet I feel like I'm ruining every opportunity I have. I'm sorry for being selfish sometimes, that my happiness always comes first before you... I'm sorry for pressuring you too muchand for testing your feelings for me... I'm sorry for ever doubting you and for  not being patient enough to understand what you are going through. I hope I still have time to fix things between us, to make you feel the same way you have made me feel these past six months. I hope you are willing to do the same.

I think I love you already. I hope in the right time I can tell it to you personally. And I hope in the right time you will be able to figure out what you want in life, and that I will be part of your plans. Please don't forget me... I am willing to wait for you. I am just here. I will just be here to accept you with open arms. I love you and I will miss you a lot.

Angel

Facebook Free (rewind)

It's been 17 days since I decided to deactivate my facebook account for several reasons:

1. Excessive usage - I can't seem to control, I check every 30 mins even at work!
2. Excessive stalking - I make sure to check *his* facebook page everyday to know what's going on with him
3. Excessive commenting - I am also addicted to the live feed -- I like, comment, and reply like there's no tomorrow

Yes, excess. It's not a light thing... I know facebook helps me keep in touch with home but until I know how to control I will not activate my account again. I want to prove to myself that I can do this... And I will! I have done this last year, doesn't mean I can't do it again right?

Hello October!

I miss blogging! It's been a while since I last wrote, and I can't believe that most of the things I write about are about boys and dating. Well, it doesn't make any difference though when I talk to my friends in person, boys and dating are my favorite topics! Hee hee :)

I can't believe I'm about to reach my 1st year away from home. Time flew by so fast, it doesn't even feel like I've been living in Singapore for almost 1 year! Looking back, I have to say that a lot of things have changed and I am a totally different Angel from who I was 1 year back. For one, I have become a current events freak and a finance nerd... Who would have thought that a communications graduate would end up trading futures? It was the last thing I wanted to pursue as a career, but like what Alanis Morisette said, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. :)

I have also moved forward to a new home since October 1, and I am really happy with this move, even if it is costing me a whole lot more. On a not-so-bright side, I am staying very near the red light district, but I have leveled up since my "crib" is already a condo. It is also nice to have a friend as my housemate, I just hope we do not get into any big trouble as I do not have very fond memories of my good friends being my housemates... But I think I have reached in an age where I am mature enough to know how to live with people and be just civil and objective with things. :)

It is also my first weekend to go to the grocery to buy food for cooking! With my friend around, I have promised myself to be more domesticated. Felt like I overspent in the grocery-- biggest bill at SGD 75 dollars! What the hell did I just buy?!?! Haha, but it just feels good, I am now looking forward to cooking sausages and tuna for dinner, it should come out cheaper instead of eating out all the time.

Life has been pretty good to me so far. I also feel very privileged to have found new friends who are very easy to get along with. I guess there is something about being away from home, people are more open to sharing deep friendships which you know will last for a lifetime. :)

My work has been awesome as well. I love my job even if it takes up 80% of my time! It gives me a heart attack but I still love it! It's what I call happy stress... And it's quite  nice to also feel like they are family. I have learned to accept the different personalities at work, I guess this is all part of growing up and being more mature with things. :)

As for my heart, I have learned to block all bad vibes and just follow my gutfeel. I remain optimistic in finding the right guy. The right time for the right person will definitely come... :)

This will be a great month ahead... Cheers for more happy thoughts and memories!

I'm Sorry.

Just when things have started being steady between us, I have to do a stupid thing to make you run away.

I'm sorry for calling you late at night. It was stupid, irresponsible, and uncalled for. I've been having issues with you but it didn't mean having to involve you about it. I could have easily figured things out by myself.

If only I could be more patient with you. If only I could bring back the past and change what happened. But I can't. What was done has been done. I have said everything. If there was anything consistent about my relationships, it would probably be scaring guys away.

I hope we could still talk about it. I am hoping you could give us another chance. For now I have no choice but to accept that it is "okay" but you still cannot talk about it. I really like you but I don't know if you like me enough to stay. I'm scared of losing you. I think we are almost there... but then I had to do this stupid mistake. :(

I'm so sorry.

My Dating Cycle

Bothers me that a friend says that im back to my usual cycle with men. It's normally in this part of the so-called dating scene where I feel like things are most likely to go wrong on my end. I hate the feeling of uncertainty, when all that matters is the action and not the words. I'm sure some people enjoy the idea of not knowing what's next but most of the time it's torture for me :(




I've been seeing this great guy for about a month already and so far it has been really nice. We've had good, interesting, and deep conversations. I like how I learn from him. At the same time I feel like my "caring" side also shows when he's around. He also seems sincere but it may also be too early to tell.





Only a few so-called issues:





1. I'm normally the one inviting him to go out-- while on the bright side he never rejected any of my invites, it still feels really abnormal for me to be initiating the invite most of the time. That's not a very Filipino thing to do but for some reason I always end up inviting him. I think it has been working so far but the thought of him just sitting pretty is driving me nuts! What if I stop inviting? Will he even think of me?





2. Clingy side is about to show --- in the normal "cycle" I think this is one of the factors that scare the guys away. I have this tendency to get clingy with the guys I go out with! :( after our jog last night I felt the clingy symptoms arise. It's scaring me that I may lose the guy if I get too clingy. The first thing that I wanna do at the moment is to just stay away from him!





I'm overanalyzing everything again. Why can't I just enjoy the moment and let things flow? I need to play my cards right this time. So far I have been doing well, but why does it all have to change after that moment?!?!





I guess I need to stay away first. Before I lay down the wrong card. Aaaahh praning much!!!!!
 
*An entry from July 19.

The Case of the EX

Why is it that everytime I start going out with someone, this guy just disappears and next thing I know, he has gotten back with his ex?

It's really a curse, believe me. I don't know if it's because of my old actions why this is always happening (I am weird like that) but I think this is the 3rd or 4th time this will be happening to me. It's no longer funny especially its a recurring incident with different men. This time I am more affected because I think I had a big chance with this guy.... Again, it all turned out to be wrong=(

Oh well, time to move on. Not the one I guess. Magsama kayo ng ex mo!!! Leche! haha

Checklist

Living alone indeed has its own perks. Not only do I start knowing who I really am and what I want in my life, it has also helped me determine my ideal guy. Believe me, I do not have a very good record with men. I seem to just go with the flow most times and give chances to guys if they show signs that they are interested. I realized after many disappointments that it is not the best option... And you should not settle for somebody just because he is the one who is there.

So I have decided to make a checklist of my ideal man. This should serve as a personal reminder to never settle and always aim for the best.

1. CHEMISTRY - Even if the guy has all the traits after this, it will be useless if we do not have any chemistry.
2. 100% understanding with my work nature - I have a very demanding job and erratic work hours, and I need a guy who can understand and adjust well with my work nature.
3. Music Lover
4. Outgoing & loves to travel - I love going out and exploring myself, and it would be really nice to have somebody to share this passion with.
5. Adores NYC - Especially since I dream to live in NYC, I need to make sure that the guy loves the place the same way as I do
6. Certified FOODIE - Must have the same passion for food as I do


I'm sure this list will be longer soon... I will surely update this!

=(

Scares the shit out of me when I get paranoid and too clingy. I am really hoping that this time around, I will not ruin the very very good prospect.

Sick & Alone

Gone are the days when you are happy to be staying at home for a "sick leave"... One realization when living alone... Getting sick is the last thing you want to happen.

It is so hassle to get sick in Singapore. They have probably made it this inconvenient in order for people to avoid getting sick. Back home, all you need to do is to send an SMS to your boss and tell him/her you are off for the day because of fever (or some make-up stomach pain or whatever). In Singapore, an SMS is not enough.

You need to visit a family doctor for a check up, and your sick leave will heavily rely on the doctor's prescription. The number of "days off" will be dictated by the doctor's prescription. This makes "false sickness" a lot harder in SG. You cannot file a sick leave unless you present an MC (a Medical Certificate) to the HR department. If you do not present any MC, your sick leave will not be counted.

In my case now, I have not done any lying whatsoever. I really felt like shit last Thursday so the doctor gave me a 2-day leave.... And the hard part does not stop here at all... It gets worse...

Getting sick alone means having to prepare your own food even if you want to curse the whole world for all the pain you are going through. It would also mean locking yourself up in your own room since everybody is out working their asses off (something I also wished I was doing had I felt better). It's not like back home when you can always ask the maid to just call you when supper's up so that you can take your medications... When you're sick and living alone, you actually need to do the planning too! So much for getting "rest".

Unless you find somebody who is willing to take a leave to take care of you, I guess I just need to get used to the idea that this will be my future from hereon. It's not easy, so the least I could do now is to avoid getting sick-- that is, through overdosing myself with Vitamin C starting now. haha.

Quarter Life Crisis

Call me dramatic, but I am in pain right now. I feel so alone, so empty... so lonely. Like everything great happening in my life is just from the outside. Sometimes, I feel like I am pretending to be fine yet deep inside I am crushing. I don't understand why I am feeling this way, I should be really thankful for all the blessing I've had these past few months. Not everybody can say that they were given an opportunity to work abroad and experience independence at 25 years old... But why do I feel this way? Why do I still seek for true happiness? Why is there always a need for me to be with people or with somebody? Why can't I just live my life and do what I want without feeling down?

I am praying for strength to get over this stage. I've had a lot of drama in my life but I don't think I have gone through anything this bad. People may think that this is merely because of the recent "heartbreak" I had with this jerk/asshole I have gone out with these past few months.... Okay fine probably a big part of this is because of him and his devious ways, but it just sucks how that heartbreak could get along with my other personal issues.

I wake up not knowing what I want in life. I wake up feeling sad, empty, lonely... I really want to do something about it but I don't know where to start. I try hard-- I distract myself with work, jogging, movies, parties, clubbing, socializing.... But where is true happiness in all of this? How can I achieve this?

I know that I'll get over this soon. I know I will. I hope I can help myself get over this... I miss my family and my friends in Manila/Cebu so much. But I am still lucky to have a good set of friends in town. I don't know if I will survive all this drama without them. And thank God for Facebook & BBM. Helps me keep in touch.

I'll be okay, I will keep my positive thinking in mind... It's what I only have now. Faith in God and myself.

Update: Randomness of it all

Being alone here in Singapore has given me more time to think of the things that I really want in my life. It also helped me get to know myself better. Some realizations from the past 3 months:

1. I hate being alone most of the time. It makes me sad and paranoid. I will never be a homebody.
2. But if I am in the mood to be alone, I shut everybody off and watch my favorite movies & TV shows in my room.
3. I will never survive without Facebook or Twitter.
4. I am not afraid to take risks -- I would rather take the plunge and get hurt than just leave questions unanswered.
5. I miss the feeling of being taken cared of... That does not mean I want a boyfriend though. I think having one at this point of my life will just distract me from doing the things that I want. It would just be nice to get the feeling of knowing that somebody is just around there on the side ;)
6. My family has raised me pretty well. Thanks for being the strict parents that you are, mom & dad.
7. I still think my faith is still very in tact.
8. I will always be the girly kikay girl who will not live without monthly nail spa visits.
9. I can never store so much food at home, it will just rot.
10. True friends are HARD to find. You will always meet new friends but not all of them can be real friends.
11. No one can ruin the moment as worst as you yourself.

12. I really am BOY CRAZY. Harsh reality.
13. Expectations will just ruin everything.
14. ... that a Blackberry is like a wedding ring. It's what seals your marriage with your work. (not complaining at all)
15. I am a proud workaholic.
16. Even if I can be conscious of my weight, I would still prefer to live life & enjoy eating than starve myself to death.

Oh and about my last blog about my soulmate, I think I concluded too early...He was not YET the one. Good thing, he wasn't.